It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that you have served your purpose long enough and it is time for you to take your retirement. This was not an easy decision as you will be sorely missed. From the first time that you fell on the ground and had to stay in a sock for two years; well, at least you still looked young. Snapping closed on pocket-less pants tops for convenient traveling. Throwing you across the room when I was angry and getting completely soaked in Bebe Lake but still surviving. When you got lost in a front yard six hours away and you managed to find your way back unscathed. Despite your apparent lack of technology, the fact that you could still send tweets and twitpics. The instant connection with other flip phone owners. You do have an excellent alarm sound that will be well missed in your replacement. Your low maintenance, non-case-requiring, no frills attitude. And the way you fit so perfectly in my hand.
However, it is because of your inability to keep up with new technology that we are going to have to let you go. The fact that you receive Group MMS’s as picture messages, and your inability to respond to multiple senders makes it difficult to hold a conversation. Your contact list is forever outdated, including names such as “Car Guy” and “Bebe Lake Tix.” And what kind of last name is “AEM,” “Balch,” “Econ,” or “CUET” anyway? I mean you stopped needing to do that after Orientation Week! You constantly miss out on family snapchats. T-9 texting: none of my co-pilots could respond to texts for me while I was driving. Speaking of driving, I had to print out the directions beforehand—well, at least I didn’t get dependent on a GPS. Your text message inbox fills up at 100 and I can’t receive new ones until you delete the old ones. The many times I walked into a classroom because my professor emailed me while I was in another class and you couldn’t tell me. Speaking of which, the many times I had to text someone for information that I could just as easily have checked online or in my email. Oh, so many confused responses.
I hope you enjoy your retirement. Your service these last 6 years has been invaluable.